Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Release the Hounds!


By now you have no doubt heard about the epic ride that the "Sunday-at-9:30a.m.-from-CarpetMart-crew" took, but let me briefly recap our ride for you. We (six) headed for Graffiti Tunnel, up to Quartz Hill Rd. via Sulphur Creek, then worked our way out to the Hornbeck Trail. We took the Lower Ditch Trail to Walker Mine Road and then caught the Upper Ditch Trail, destination The Flanagan overpass. A nice long ride with lots of climbs, but the highlight for me was when I put Mr. SanFranCup on the point and he suddenly turned all red and took off like a bat out of Hell! To say that he rose to the occasion would be the understatement of the season. If some of these "Slower" riders ever get high-end bikes, I'll be in big trouble.

Monday, March 9, 2009

OK... so the H stands for what?


Not that there's anything wrong with that!

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Let me re-word that...


The little bike we call the "Fake-sie" is rolling and it is just a lot fun! I kind of had the misguided impression that I was going to have another bike that I could actually take out for extended rides but no dice. For some reason the coaster brake feels like it is robbing some power in the form of a soft, buffered-like feeling. I planned on mocking it up to play with it and then completely disassemble and paint it but now I'm not so sure I won't just ride it ugly!

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Webbed Feet Not Required?



According to the weather people, Sunday's ride from Carpet Mart 9:30 a.m. shouldn't leave us feeling like we've been on an extended arctic scuba dive. Come on down and join us for the weekly rolling circus, featuring many unsigned comedians like the one's pictured here! Tell all your friends! We have room for three-hundred thousand!

Friday, March 6, 2009

Good Friday


Well the Fake-sie bike is built and rolling! I got the rear wheel back from Randy Etc.(I laced it up, but he is the dish, tension, alignment Master!) Although it is not painted, one can readily envision it's potential as a dynamite little Hipster Bike that is a ton of fun to ride. Now, you may be wondering what the bowl of enticing looking soup depicted here is all about. Well it's your invitation to come on down for a bowl of homemade Minestrone today (around lunch-time)and while you're here, throw a leg over the bike and take her out for a spin!

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Real Fenders!


I rode last night, as soon as the seventeenth flood of Noah let up a bit and thanks to "Real" fenders, I was nice and dry "Back There!" As the good Doctor pointed out in my previous entry, what good are fenders if they don't bloody cover the wheels!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Caution! Caveman at Work!


Work on my one-speed, coaster-brake-equipped, 27" wheel, "Fake-sie" bike continues in the form of endless browsing of the Internet for style ideas. Which (in the end) only serves to frighten and confuse me, for you see Your Honor... I am only a Caveman! As they say, the best laid plans of mice and men... My latest project will never have the finish of an award winning, hand-made Vanilla bike but I can dream!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Top Secret Steel Foundry.


Well the steel for my next bike frame is forged!

Sunday, March 1, 2009

What Would Antler Man Do?

I awoke to find yet another rainy Sunday and I got a little bummed out. But then I thought to myself, Hey, I'll bet Antler Man wouldn't let a little rain stop his training! And so my friends today I will ride with a large rack o' antlers atop my helmet in tribute to Antler Man. I'm really pretty sure I will. Wait a minute--- when's the ride?--- Yeah, I'm really pretty sure I'll do that!

Friday, February 27, 2009

Video Friday

I am not sure but, this may be the worst bicycling video of all time. According to this version of the sport of Mt. Bike riding, we need more goats, grab ass, lame punk music, food fights and rollin' and around on the ground. The real scary part is, I see no evidence of drugs or alcohol involved.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

An Open Letter To My Fellow Sunday Riders.

I would like to submit an official name and logo for our Sunday morning bicycle group. It is, The Web-Footed Riders Association. Senior members Dave and Jim got caught out by the Ribbon bridge last night while on a casual mid-week ride when the latest of the torrential water-bombings began. I want to thank Dave for keeping the spirits high all the way back as we literally got soaked! I'm not sure that I would have been quite as delighted about our situation had it been only me out there!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

What's that grinding sound?

Just finished reading this fascinating book that is chock-fulla tips for wet weather riding. The number one tip I received from it is to take special note of one's brake pads! Apparently decomposed granite and water form a perfect grinding compound and several of the flock of Sunday's wet riders club dissolved their brakes!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Monday, February 23, 2009

Warning! Electric fungi found!


What started out as a fairly typical Sunday MTB ride from Carpet Mart on Sunday morning @ 9:30 a.m. turned weird after the group rolled through a field of magic mushrooms and we "inadvertently" ended up dosing ourselves. These images dipict a sort of before and after effect that resulted from the 'Shroom fields. After the ride I went home and pretty much just listened to some old Grateful Dead albums.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

We are building a religion...Cake.

When I heard the news that my especial amigo was planning a cross country bicycle trip I thought he was nuts! Then, slowly the idea started getting a hold of me like some kind of brain stem parasite. For months now I have lain awake half the night, pondering the logistics and enormity of the project. I've become obsessed with strength reports of 26" vs. 700c wheels. Tests and experiments of my own have lead me to this. I am ready to build! Does anyone have a W.W.II era pop-rivet gun?

Friday, February 20, 2009

Return of the Team Time Trial?

Testing resumed Thursday on the latest in team-time-trial headgear, high in the Sierras. Volunteer amateur cyclists were selected to run along side the Tour of California peleton and see if their draft would cause the helmet's horn-like appendages to get sucked into the wheels. A few minor crashes did occur but no one was seriously injured. Hey, this is the way we establish a data base!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Close but no Cigar!

I've always felt that Tyler Hamilton should have been a world's champion but in the game of pro-racing, everything comes down to a roll of the dice. Yesterday at the Tour of California Tyler went off the front of the pack with a small break away only to be caught only a few kilometers from the finish. Neanderthal Cavendish won the stage. Seems like the "Monster from Manx" just makes his own dice!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Silly Monkey...CX is for Kids!


Well it's Monkey Cross Season again! That magical time of year when we turn our local cyclocross venues over to the apes. Now we get to sit back and watch those knuckleheads go out there, thrash around leaping on and off their silly bicycles. Hopefully a couple of them will land awkwardly on the top tubes of their machines, then scream out in really high voices. I love watching those fools, they're so foolish! Monkeys!

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Why don't ducks' feet freeze?

Seven riders of questionable mental status showed up this morning at Carpet Mart 9:30 A.m. to re-enact the Riders on the Storm ride, 1989's New Years Day Eye-Opener with John Stein. That was one cold, wet and sketchy Mo-Fo! The last I saw of Noel, Brook, Dale, and Ozzy Ausboe they were heading for the snow-line out on the Upper Ditch Trail. My ride back was straight into the teeth of the storm with yellow dish gloves stretched over my shoes in an effort to keep my pre-frost bitten feet from turning into frozen blocks of ice! Damn, that was fun!

Friday, February 13, 2009

Getting Properly Pumped!

Well the Entire Team Fuzzball entourage is ready to head down to the Tour d' Kally-Fornia. As you can see we have some mighty big shoes to fill! Now that cyclo cross weather has arrived it's time to hit the road!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Oh God No! Not This!

Well folks it's worse than anyone could have ever imagined in regard to Brookly's condition. In this most recent photo, he hardly looks anything like the rough and tumble guy we all know and love. Now he looks like he'll "Tumble for Ya" for a mere bag o' Cheetos! And, with a 90 day quarantine pending for the lad with other Jaguar-men, I seriously doubt that Cheetos will be involved in the tumble at all. For now we will have to allow nature to run it course and leave our dear friend to face the many, difficult questions men in this position must.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

No No Fool!

So I get a phone call in the middle of the night from the county jail asking that I come on down, they think they've got "our man!" Apparently this guy was out running absolutely amok up and down the Hilltop Drive night club alley. Laughing frighteningly loud and head- butting people indiscriminately, the cops where finally able to corral the chap in a walk-in refrigerator in the Red Lion's Kitchen. Police found the man sobbing, covered in Bleu Cheese dressing and begging for some Buffalo-wings. Just pathetic!

Monday, February 9, 2009

Taking Matters into Our Own Hands

Sheriff Nolly Fijole gathered up a posse Sunday and we eleven deputies went out lookin' fer you-know-who! Well Sir, we didn't see no Jaguars but we was ready! Sheriff Noel rode us boys 'till our horses almost dropped from under us! We really thought deckin' Brookington out in these pants would flush that bastard out! Come on out and get deputized next Sunday when we'll resume the hunt! P.S. The pants were a surprisingly good fit.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Jaguar Man Captured Near Border!

Well that Bastard that bit Brookington in the ass last Wednesday was apprehended near Cottonwood yesterday. Authorities say that it turned out to just be a migrant farm worker who was "High" on Marijuana. Unfortunately, when we arrived to make a positive identification, we noticed that this Jaguar Man was in his 80's and completely toothless (the teeth you see are made of paper!). We are fairly certain that the Jaguar Man we are looking for is British as we clearly heard him scream out, "I am Jag-U-ar Mahn and I won't be trifled with!"

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Attack near Satan's Tunnel!

A short Wednesday night ride with "The Boys" last night resulted in a rare sighting of Jaguar Man... or Cheetah Dude or whatever the Bleep he calls himself. I yelled out "Don't look him in the eyes boys!" but it was too late... He got a hold of Brookson and bit him in the Butt. In the mean while the cops just laughed at us and God only knows what's gonna happen to Brookson!

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Stable O' Mystery

There is a local urban myth about the existence of an old barn/stable that occupied the area that Carpet Mart's building now sits on (no modern site itself) and that parts of the old stable where used in the construction of said building. Well friends, after years of preparation we are proud to announce the unveiling of a previously boarded up room in the back of the store to the public. Guided tours will be offered starting around April first. Here is a small sample of the haunting sights to behold here. I am particularly excited about the By-Tor and The Snow Dog display!

Monday, February 2, 2009

Broke Axle Mountain

Well the first installment of the Cross-Country Race Series was held yesterday out at the Swasey Recreation Area. Seven hearty riders braved mild 60's temps as the ride began up the Wintu loop switchbacks. One man in particular, who was wearing something similar to the suit depicted here, took off at a breakfast-tossing pace. Ten minutes into the climb at a space shuttle launch pace, I was left breathing like a pipe organ at full cry. I tried desperately to stay in the top 5 to the all too infrequent rolling sections. Finally we started downhill with me on the front but almost immediately I heard the sound of a thousand charging buffaloes behind me, so I ran a turn wide and four riders blew past me. I decided to wait for my buddy SanFranCup who was out there riding at a nice recreational pace. But no sooner did we hook up when something snapped in his drive train and his rear wheel began shivering in the rear triangle when he pedaled. Using a solid axle, I realized that the only thing holding it together was the axle nuts so we bailed at the Meiners Loop junction and limped back in to the truck. Due to the lack of a solid race director, the main field soon became split and confused and within an hour, the event (at Swasey) was over. See ya'll next Sunday!

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Shoppin' Real Local.

A beautiful, mass-produced hipster bike is yours for only $880.00. Or, you can come on down to the Bike Barn, where Uncle Grandpa will hook ye up, all nice and proper-like, for peenys on the dollar. Uncle Grandpa also has all the tools you'd be needin' to work on yer handmade piece o'... I mean hillbilly-hipster bike! Some of Uncle Grandpa's latest creations include tributes to towns like Wacco Texas, Hogsnout Alabama, and his latest, Oroville California. U.G. says that the Oroville bike is, "nearly perfeck 'cept fer some orange -peelin' on the the top-bar!" Nothing a little work with the "finishin' hammer" won't help!

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Indoor CycloCross

This weekend begins the gymnastic cyclocross series of Shasta County. Dismounts are a little different in this "Artistic" version of CX. As you can see the outfits are also very special. If you are a "special" kind o' guy, who just doesn't feel that "regular" cyclocross gave him the opportunity to shine, please come out and join us! P.S. No insensitive BULLHORNS are ever permitted here!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Stable of Mystery

Then, after my scare up at Mary Lake , I get back to The Cycle Barn, aka Carpet Mart, aka Best of The North State 2008, to find this hiding in the dark, stable of mystery, out back.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Vicious little Sucker!

I'm still not sure what the heck I ran into out in the Mary Lake area the other morning. I was only able to snap this one picture before it ran me outta there. The beast was only about the size of a medium-sized dog and it snorted and growled like some kind o' freakin' Tasmanian Devil

Monday, January 26, 2009

Saved by Burt!

For years now I have been extra careful of poison oak in January because it is without leaves now, but is starting to bud. I picked up this BB Rescue Pack and am using the Poison Oak soap, much to my delight, it works. So do all of the other products.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Speaking of Trouble

Here is how to destroy a multi-thousand dollar wheel in just a few seconds. Watch the big freight train drift when the wheel first blows!

Double Trouble!

Here's a scary image/thought.
Tandems on the board track. I just cannot imagine all the trouble two riders on a fixed gear bicycle with their legs locked on the pedals could get into! Brakes... we don't need no stinking brakes!

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Republic of Uzbekistan

A recent failed launch into space by Uzbekistan scientists left hundreds of pounds of unexploded dynamite and one very confused Equinaut, hanging in a state of eminent danger. The launch team was unable to free the donkey and were forced to push the auto-destruct button (see exploding whale video!)

Monday, January 19, 2009

Bitter? No! Soured? Perhaps.


As they say in show biz, The show must go on! And by Gaw Son, Them shows needs to be run by MEN with BULLHORNS! I'm beginning to believe that I simply cannot handle the truth, although I always have found Time Trialing (aka race of truth) to be one of my favorite disciplines. We had a little alternate award ceremony for the finale of the 3rd. full CX series and would like to present the SOUR PUSS Award to a very special man who needs no introduction. Thanks for everything Bren, my Big Boy BMX bike is on order for next years races!

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Say, "Where's Arnie!"

Senor SanFranCup and I rode all over the world on Saturday and had a blast! Here I am doing my best imitation of Arnie from, What's eating Gilbert Grape. I'm just glad that I have such a good friend as Gilbert... I mean SanFranCup to keep me safe out There. "I'm going back up there Gilbert!"

Friday, January 16, 2009

Friday Video!

I like the music a lot!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Bust out the old kit!

Desperate times demand desperate measures. In a nutshell my CX season has been... abysmal! To recap, Race One; Enterprise, I got a brilliant start despite the much loathed Le Mans start and was rollin' the Bianchi to a top ten finish when I popped my left hamstring on the last run up an eighth of a mile from the finish. Race Two; Boom Town, sidelined with hamstring still healing, I was semi-amused to see BMX on a cyclocross course, a bit of a flow control that one! Race Three; Anderson Park, I returned to race one of my favorite venues only to get absolutely hosed on the first turn as 5 little brats on 20" bikes rode right over my front wheel. Then of course there was the 2 storey high rock pile/quad cramp/flat tire, dead last finish! Race Four; Turtle Bay, I rode my one-speed 69'r and had the ride of my life! I rode well within my physical ability and actually had a bit o' "in the trenches" banter with Paul from Chico as we raced. Unfortunately, I made the strategic error of not actually entering at the sign-in booth and since there was already a number on my jersey from last year (Hey, it was in the far recesses of the bus!)I got busted and DQ'd! My plan for the finale is to race under a fictitious name, incognito. I'll see you there, but you may not recognize me!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

See you at the smoke bomb!

When I was but a wee lad, my dad raced motorcycles out on the Mojave desert. Called Hare and Hound scrambles, the races started en masse by lining up, sometimes 200 abreast, and then blasting off across the desert, all heading for "The Smoke Bomb." A large bon fire with a couple of tires thrown on it, the smoke was usually a mile or two from the start. Once there the riders would funnel down to find the course proper, a large loop that brought the riders back around through the start area about every 30- 45 minutes. Of course after about 10 years worth of desert scrambles, someone finally realized what an environmental disaster the sport was and started shutting it down. But I still think that some form of the Hare and Hound could be raced, on bicycles.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Are we in Tahoe?

The bicycle posted here is only here to lure you into reading this and to demonstrate my impeccable taste in bicycle imagery! I rode my 1991 Stump-Comp MTB with a million other folks, who all hit the Upper Ditch Trail trying to find the way to Chemise Peak. We worked our way up to the gap and then lost the trail. I bailed off the east side of the ridge and came out on Flanigan road which took me back to Lake Blvd. I am here to tell you that who ever is responsible for this boom in world class trail building these last few years should be given the keys to the city! Just FABULOUS!

Friday, January 9, 2009

Cyclocross action figures.

I just received my first in a series, European, cyclocross action figures. This one is of famous race promoter Bren Schneller. He came with a mini-bullhorn and riding crop. Cigarette included!

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Smoke 'em if ya got 'em!

Ya know, I am constantly asked Dude, What is the key to your longevity as a hopelessly optimistic, get-in-there-and-ignore-the-horror, it's-gonna-be-a-great-day-is-that-a-syndrome-lifestyle icon!? Well, this helps!

Monday, January 5, 2009

Universe in my Bike Frame.


Funny that of the hundreds of frame builders in this country, no one is forging their own steel. Well I guess as Carl Sagan once said, "If you truly wish to bake apple pie from scratch... you must first invent, the universe!

Another Cycling Scandal!

Shame and disgrace are the words most likely to be used while recounting this year's Turtle Bay cyclocross. So far, the Captain of Redding One-Speed is the only member who was D.Q.'d, but it is believed that others are involved in the registration scam from which this resulted. Also, upon searching "The Bus", numerous banned substances and articles were discovered. "It is a sad day for cyclocross!" commented Foghat Fred, Redding's premier homeless cycle guy. "I sure have been enjoyin' the heck outta them hammiggers!" What?

Friday, January 2, 2009

Rocket Science.

A bit o' New Year's Day rocket testing after our miserable failure at midnight, the previous evening. To our beautiful neighbors who's roof we caught on fire... we sincerely apologize!

Thursday, January 1, 2009

All is Quiet...


...On New Year's Day! Have a great '09, The man is comin' to town!

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Klick Jr.


Rode what I call the Klick Jr. yesterday (Jones Valley up to the lake /trail to the boat launch parking lot and back to J.V.) with my brother. Just a nice little hour of spinnin'and a grinnin'. I put on my big old 2.1 vertical blackwall knobbies and it feels like a pair of sturdy hiking boots compared to the old thread bare 1.75 folding tires that were on .

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Walk in the park!

Well, I went out to Turtle Bay for some re-con with Noel for next weekend's CX. He promises to to give us all a break from the punishing run-up sections that he seems to love to throw at us. Here is a photo of the proposed start/finish area, Good Luck!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

In the town where I was born...

MERRY CHRISTMAS 1960 AND BEYOND

I am haunted by the memory of my grandfather Charles (my mom's dad) playing a banjo and singing a song called "The Laughing Cowboy!" The shear volume of the man and his banjo was frightening enough, but as the song reached it's chorus (wherein he launched into maniacal, rhythmic, howling laughter) the thing turned terrifying! Especially the night he sang it and from out of his honking yapper leapt his dentures, which landed at my four year old feet! I distinctly remember thinking, OH my God, my grandfather is going to die! Well, thankfully he didn't and in-fact, he stayed around long enough to colour my life with his talents well into my young adult life. He bestowed a love of string instruments upon me in the form of a 12 string guitar when I was twelve years old. He taught me how to tune a piano when I was fourteen. He made many tape recordings of music and playing lessons for me until I moved to Redding to go to Shasta College.
When he died my mom and dad brought a very unique little instrument home from his collection called a Tipple. I took it to a local music shop for new strings and a tune-up. There I learned about this strange little 10 stringed instrument.The fingering was just like a ukulele but instead of 4 strings it had a double, triple, triple, double layout. It was manufactured by the Martin instrument company around 1950. Before I took it home from the shop the owner of the business picked it up and and gave it a little test run. It had the voice of an angel, something like an old mechanical music box when he played it softly but it rang like a bell when he strummed it hard. I took it home and played the strings off it, never tiring of the beautiful tone of it.
It was around this time that my love of bicycles began. I bought a white Schwinn 10 speed from a guy for $15. It needed some work so I took it to a bike shop where for a whopping 35 dollars, I got a rear wheel, 2 new tires and tubes, a new chain and cables. I felt like the king of the world on my $50 machine! One day I decided to ride it from my place in Central Valley up to the dam via the scenic route. I remember thinking that my ride to the top of that mighty mountain pass had to be on par with any of the mountain stages of the great European bike races. When my conquest was completed and I was rolling back home, I felt triumphant. I decided to stop in at a little tavern called the Oar House for a quick cold one. As I sat there at the bar, I told the bartender of my outlandish, "marathon ride." He then told the small crowd of people who were gathered there of my exploits and they started buying me rounds. Two hours later, it was getting drunk out... I mean dark out! I decided that it was time to ride home and get cleaned up and then return to the tavern in my car to continue the party with my new found friends. As I was walking out the door someone yelled out that they were having a jam session tonight so if I played an instrument, to bring it!
An hour later I returned with my grandfather's Tipple. A couple of guys were already pickin' and a-grinin' with guitars and then a guy with a mandolin joined in. I was sitting at the bar pounding beers, trying to get up the courage to join in. I got up and took the Tipple out to the parking lot where I quietly tuned it to the other instruments, then I walked in with it, playing a melodic harmony line to the one they were playing. I proceeded to blow their minds with the beautiful angel voice tone. When we stopped playing , the mandolin player said, Son, I don't know what you've got there, but it is completely out toning my $1500 Aria mandolin! I told him it was a tipple and he said, A What?! I said it was a Martin T-15 tipple! he just shook his head and said, Martin... I should have known! We played and drank and laughed until the wee hours.
We all went our separate ways that night. I returned the following Saturday night only to find the place locked up and dark.The owner had passed away that week and for 6 months after that the tavern remained closed. By the time it reopened, I had moved to Redding. Shortly after that a motorcycle group of the outlaw variety made The Oar House, their new home. Pickin' and a-grinnin' wasn't their music of choice! So I never went back. In the meanwhile the gal I was living with in Redding was in a blue grass band. I used to delight her band members with the tipple and my perfect-pitch, human-tuning-fork talents. Unfortunately, my love for (and wild reactions to) beer, wine and other things made my candidacy as a public musician highly risky! So I just sat and jumped and hopped around at their gigs occasionally being asked to leave. I would simply stagger on down to the liquor store, get a little half-pint of something and a six-pack of beer, then walk home and have a jam session of my own!
Through the years the little tipple showed up at numerous backyard bonfire parties and get-togethers. It never ceased to blow the minds of the people who heard it. I really didn't take very good care of it and it is semi-miraculous that no one ever smashed it over my head or underfoot during some of my late night shenanigans! One morning I woke up and discovered that it was missing. I tried desperately to retrace my steps from the night before. Finally I found it in some tall grass in the back yard of a friend who told me in no uncertain terms that I was a Madman and should seek professional help. But I was on a mission to demonstrate the absolute absurdity of human existence and to be a sort of latter day, Zen lunatic. Fueled by numerous substances and a high eclectic library, I was out of reality, living in a separate dimension with an effect filter placed over the lens of my camera. It was around this time in my life that numerous unexplained events occurred, especially the regular disappearence of my car keys when I needed them most.
Unfortunately, many of those associated with me during that time of my life are all either dead, institutionalized or have moved away and changed their identities making verification of specific events and occurrences difficult if not impossible. But, Lest matters of import are brushed aside like so many crumbs from a midnight pantry raid and swept away into the waste basket of time, I will, to the best of my ability attempt to explain things. Also regrettably, is the fact that while discussing this time of my life, particularly an event I like to call, "The Event", I notice that it often results in eye rolling, clearing of throats and a tendency for those with whom I speak to of it, to begin looking at their watches and jingling keys in their pockets. My story entitled, The Continental Divide, is a work in progress about an event that took place on (of all places!) Mt. Shasta during a climb to it's summit in 1983. The jury is still out as to exactly what happened on that day but I feel certain that I either suffered a cerebral vascular accident, I was engulfed by a very rare natural phenomenon called Ball Lightening, or as I steadfastly maintain, I encountered a Lemurian at the base of the red banks, was taken inside the mountain and in a matter of speaking, was given the "Keys" to the castle. My mission statement here is problematic and manifold. Absolutes, short of certain mathematical equations, are generally so relative that "for instances" are usually, at best, controversial. Suffice it to say that upon publication of my manuscript (sometime next year?) I hope to at least present the story in it's entirety so that the reader may decide whatever in the world happened up there.
Even today I frequently cannot find my own rear end, even with both hands placed firmly upon it. I would like to start with (some kind of) a foundation upon which to launch the next chapter of my story but any building from this point will require an environmental impact study to determine how it may effect the psychological well-being of one J. Fox Seely. A fun little guy, born to a fun loving set of parents, during a great time to be alive in the U.S.A. Again, I run a risk of perhaps alienating or infuriating my audience with this seemingly endless qualification, punch-list disclaimer-fest, but I digress. When I was a young man I delved deep into murky waters, the subconscious realm of existence. A conflict of interest occurred one day, when back on the surface, a biologist (associated with the impact study) discovered abnormally high concentrations of certain psychotropic chemicals in the water table. He also determined that due to the unstable nature of soil samples from the primary (proposed) building site, that we would not be able to build here.
Thus we behold an eternal Nomad. Wandering aimlessly through gargantuan landscapes, here a tumbleweed bounces by, there a yawning chasm opens. After a period of time that seemed to span decades, the weary traveler fell to the ground. Sobbing, he clutched the burning sands in his hands then watched them run out like those from an hourglass. He begins to think about running off the edge of the abyss, letting gravity sort things out for him. But the next day finds him tilling the earth with his sword and then he sows seeds for a barley crop. He teaches himself to malt the precious grains, then he learns to brew beer. One day our man finds a nest of eggs and he sees that they are hatching. The only thing that he is able to determine for sure is that the tiny animals being brought forth before his very eyes are birds. He decides to retreat and then wait and watch from a safe distance to see who the parents are. But as he backs away he steps off the edge of a 300 foot cliff and falls to his death.
All the while there were enormous clock works running through centuries of time, the gears of which were cast from solid iron. Some of the clock's mechanisms were chain driven. Through time, the teeth of the gears had worn down and the links of the chains had stretched. One day the chains jumped a tooth on the primary sprocket and the timing of all the functions of the clock went askew. The people of the village never noticed that the clock was shortening the length of a day by one minute. Soon mealtimes seemed to arrive even before the tooth sucking of the previous meal was complete. But like obedient pigeons in an aviary, the seed corn was dutifully pecked clean. One fine spring day a young man with golden hair and a certain little twinkle in his eye happened into the village. He stopped at the well and dropped his canteen down into it for a drink. He could hear the sound of a frog croaking far below in the depths of the aquifer's dark belly. Suddenly the sound of flies filled the air and with a rush of wind my brother appeared out of nowhere. He slapped the boy sharply to the back of the head with a resounding clap and screamed out, "sic semper tyrannis!" Death to tyrants!
With a start I awake, only to realize that the sound of that head slap was in fact just my own gaping yapper snapping shut like a turtle's beak on a minnow. Yes my friends the laughing cowboy is still alive and well, living in the shallow layers of the mind of a boy they called Foxy in a land of separate reality. I can answer a good phone and I am never late. My demeanor is candid, my machines are all well oiled. The bottom line is this. You buy the ticket, You take the ride. One need not go to Disneyland to kick it with Walt!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Don't blame these guys!


I had a miserable return to cyclocross this weekend but it's not because I'm smoking these little beauties. My quads locked up like a flippin' folding saw and left me to spectate as the tiniest little girls finally went by. When I finally walked the cramping out, I realized that my front tire was flat. I finished in last Place!!!

Friday, December 19, 2008

That cool, refreshing taste.


Had another lovely ride at Turtle Bay last night. We ran into this little gal who says she is looking forward to the race at Anderson---and her next cigarette.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Bad Mutha...shut yo mouth!


There are rumors of a secret weapon I have in store for the upcoming cyclocross race at Anderson this coming weekend. Well friends, the secret is out. Behold and be afraid little ones! Be very afraid!

Monday, December 15, 2008

No Day for Road Bikes!

Okay! So I started out on a cold road bike ride on Sunday, made it two blocks, turned around, went back and grabbed my MTB. Up to Turtle Bay East and within 10 minutes was peelin' layers! I found a whole world of possibility out there for CX and really hope we can have a race there this season. It was BEAUTIFUL and FUN!

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Only the Beginning!

Did anyone who attended last weekend's cyclocross races happen to see this chap lurking around in the the bushes? This may be the beginning of what the promoters were referring to as, "We'll throw in a barrier or some kind of obstacle!"

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Something's just not Kosher.


The Pork industry is really ramping up for the holiday season! As an old friend of mine used to say, Pepperoni never had a face! http://www.herald.ie/opinion/columnists/dan-white/ten-questions-that-must-be-answered-on-the-pig-crisis-1568173.html